I have issues with anxiety.
Even writing the word anxiety gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. But it is a word i live with everyday. Something I need to own, and say more often.
Is today going to be a good day? AM I going to have a dreaded panic attack? This is what I fear the most a panic attack. I've had soooo many in my adult life. I know the signs very well. Anxiety started for me over 10 years ago. I know how to deal with them now, well at least I think I do.
As soon as that black wave of anxiety and nausea hits me, I know I have to keep myself busy, focus on other stuff, mostly get out of the house. Getting out of the house is actually the most important for me. I have a slight social phobia, so I don't really like getting out to meet up with people, or travelling too far away from my "safe place." I now know, this is exactly what I have to do. What I FEAR!
Anxiety for me feels like a hole I can't fill. A big arse ugly ditch that, no matter how hard I try, just wont fill. Anxiety is a bitch, but it is something I can deal with, Ive done it before and i can do it again.
Mind you I haven't had a full blown attack in about 2 years. I had a few minor attacks while I was pregnant. I was worried in the first trimester about losing the baby, I'd had a previous miscarriage at 13 weeks, then the last trimester about having the baby! Normal levels of anxiety that most pregnant woman deal with :)
For now, anxiety is family. Oh family, you love them and you hate them. Both are such strong words, but these words fit appropriately about how I feel about them.
I know the reason I'm starting to have anxiety again, and who is causing it. I just wish that I knew how to deal with the situation better. I think I have tried everything. I have tried talking to this person, opening up as much as I can, which I really hate to do, hoping and praying that this person would understand me more, no such luck. I've tried avoiding them, again no luck, this seems to make the situation worse for me. I often wonder how having little G around, such a gorgeous little ball of sunshine, could keep this person in such a dreadful mood. She is the happiest baby I know, who brings a smile to even a strangers face <3 <3 <3
I've always wanted a simple life. A small house with a little backyard, husband, kids and a dog. I know there is always going to be anxiety around me, I get that, that's life, but this is seriously making me think about my choices.
I want people to get along. Even if it is fake. At least for the sake of my little G. When im not around I dont give a shit what happens. I also want a little respect. I am her mother, no one else (no matter how hard it is wished) and I deserve a little of that. I am a damn good mother, and I am proud of it. I do my best for her everyday to see her happy.
Maybe I just need a break, a holiday, just me and the kid? Somewhere I can take a big deep breath, lift this heavy weight off my shoulders and clear the fog in my mind.
I really miss my old house. I think it was healthier for me there. I know I was happier.
But I also know I will find a happy place again. I am very optimistic, I aways have been. Otherwise I wouldn't of survived panic attacks the first time round. I know that they stop. They can be crippling but only if you let them, and Im not going to this time.
How do you deal with a bad situation? Do you leave or confront head on?