Monday, April 23, 2012

The Post Ive Been Avoiding

I have anxiety issues.

I have issues with anxiety.

Even writing the word anxiety gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. But it is a word i live with everyday. Something I need to own, and say more often.

Is today going to be a good day? AM I going to have a dreaded panic attack? This is what I fear the most a panic attack. I've had soooo many in my adult life. I know the signs very well. Anxiety started for me over 10 years ago. I know how to deal with them now, well at least I think I do.

As soon as that black wave of anxiety and nausea hits me, I know I have to keep myself busy, focus on other stuff, mostly get out of the house. Getting out of the house is actually the most important for me. I have a slight social phobia, so I don't really like getting out to meet up with people, or travelling too far away from my "safe place." I now know, this is exactly what I have to do. What I FEAR!

Anxiety for me feels like a hole I can't fill. A big arse ugly ditch that, no matter how hard I try, just wont fill. Anxiety is a bitch, but it is something I can deal with, Ive done it before and i can do it again.

Mind you I haven't had a full blown attack in about 2 years. I had a few minor attacks while I was pregnant. I was worried in the first trimester about losing the baby, I'd had a previous miscarriage at 13 weeks, then the last trimester about having the baby! Normal levels of anxiety that most pregnant woman deal with :)

For now, anxiety is family. Oh family, you love them and you hate them. Both are such strong words, but these words fit appropriately about how I feel about them.

I know the reason I'm starting to have anxiety again, and who is causing it. I just wish that I knew how to deal with the situation better. I think I have tried everything. I have tried talking to this person, opening up as much as I can, which I really hate to do, hoping and praying that this person would understand me more, no such luck. I've tried avoiding them, again no luck,  this seems to make the situation worse for me. I often wonder how having little G around, such a gorgeous little ball of sunshine, could keep this person in such a dreadful mood. She is the happiest baby I know, who brings a smile to even a strangers face <3 <3 <3

I've always wanted a simple life. A small house with a little backyard, husband, kids and a dog. I know there is always going to be anxiety around me, I get that, that's life, but this is seriously making me think about my choices.

I want people to get along. Even if it is fake. At least for the sake of my little G. When im not around I dont give a shit what happens. I also want a little respect. I am her mother, no one else (no matter how hard it is wished) and I deserve a little of that. I am a damn good mother, and I am proud of it. I do my best for her everyday to see her happy.

Maybe I just need a break, a holiday, just me and the kid? Somewhere I can take a big deep breath, lift this heavy weight off my shoulders and clear the fog in my mind.

I really miss my old house. I think it was healthier for me there. I know I was happier.

But I also know I will find a happy place again. I am very optimistic, I aways have been. Otherwise I wouldn't of survived panic attacks the first time round. I know that they stop. They can be crippling but only if you let them, and Im not going to this time.

How do you deal with a bad situation? Do you leave or confront head on?


  1. oh leah .... I have been with you through everything. Its so hard isnt it - to say oh forget about those people and rise above it. When you deal with anxiety issues people dont understand and when you tell them about it - ie. anxiety or depression they look at you like you have a giant second head.

    I used to confront situations head on - but now I keep the stress down as I have to and just leave. I have cut so many connections with people that I do not have time for and cause me stress and anxiety. Yes I feel selfish but I am just putting myself first :)

    Just know that when you move into your new place wherever it may be you can say to yourself "look what I have accomplished" and "put up with" and you will be so much stronger for it.

    1. i cannot wait to move Sophie, it seems to be getting worse and worse. Thanks for your comment :)

  2. Sweetheart, have you talked to your husband, SERIOUSLY talked to him. I know for me, if something is making me unhappy I CHANGE IT IMMEDIATELY. Especially now that I am a mother. My child learns by imitation, if I don't choose my own happiness and to live my life for myself and not to please others than how will she (obviously while she is young I put her needs first, but I still make sure my days aren't filled with negative stressors)? You have tried to communicate and stay positive, but you cannot change others, if they dont want to change or to at least be polite to you and positive around your child then it's time to say 'ta ta'.

    I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your husband, but I would at least try to tell him what you need right now to be happy as a person and to be everything your daughter needs as a mother and that as your love, you need him to help you do it. You and little G are HIS FAMILY now, you come first.

    Whatever you do I send you strength and love xx

  3. I'm not confrontational. SOmetimes, something needs to be said. But if you can get away without saying anything, I choose that path.

    xx Good luck getting through it all. In-laws. A tough business. I feel you, lady.

  4. Leah, what a candid and honest post. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I would imagine the stressful household situation and living where you do contributes to it and I hope that situation is resolved soon. Thinking of you x

  5. Thinking of you.
    I don't think I have the right to comment on your situation as I don't speak with my inlaws...
    I hope your situation gets better soon and you get your little house and then a dog!!!

    No one has the right to judge or comment on your parenting. You are a damn good mother! I don't know personally but I know thru your blog! And this is one thing I pick up in each and every post. xxx

  6. Thank you to everyone for such kind words, and taking the time to comment on my blog. I feel so fortunate to be part of such a wonderful community xo
    I know things will get better soon.

  7. Hugs. I cannot even begin to offer advice, I have no experience in situations like this. It must be so difficult. Hang in there, lovely! You sound like you're employing lots of tactics to get through, well done. keep doing whatever you need to do to get through. Take care, lovely. Thinking of you. You're so strong.
    Heidi xo

    1. Honestly, as corny as it sounds, comments help. Thank you Heidi for yours it means a lot xo

  8. *hugs and hugs and hugs* As you know, I too struggle with anxiety, and while over the past year I've been doing far better than before, it can still strike with its sickening, suffocating, mind-clouding-can't-see-straight-muggy-breathlessness when I least - and sometimes when I do - expect it. And so all I can say is that your knowledge that it will pass, that things will get better, is such a testament to your strength and the fact that you *are* in a place where you are stronger than it. Seeing the way out, or seeing that there is a way out, is 90% of the battle.


    1. I hope so Hannah, sometimes im not sure if im strong enough to go through this again.

      Thank you for your comment my dear blogging friend. Let's hope we both get through this soon enough.


    2. You are. Sometimes the strongest thing we can do is just get through the day, and I know you'll always be able to do that xo


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