Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Day I Want to Forget But Can't

I haven't written a post in a while. I have had my hands full with my boisterous daughter.

Little G is now 15 months old, and what a kid. She is the most amazing little human EVER!

Everyday i look at her I get clucky for more babies. I have always wanted to be a mother and I knew I wanted more than one child.

I have been kidding myself saying, if I only have Georgi, that's fine, I'm more than happy with her. but there is something very deep within that is questioning that thought. I want more babies! And i am trying to kid myself into thinking i don't. I don't get it? why am i not happy with Georgi, she is so amazing! What is it about having babies? Being pregnant is uncomfortable to say the least, and I always get violently ILL! Then the pain of childbirth, and then the actual looking after the child afterwards!!! SCARY!!!

Well I found out i was pregnant at the end of August. I can't begin to tell you how excited I was to have another child. a few weeks in I began to wonder why I wasn't sick. Why wasn't I throwing up like I always do? Everyone around me told me that I shouldn't be upset about that, celebrate and be grateful for being well! So I plodded along, thinking about the future made me smile. Georgi was going to have a brother or sister! How exciting!

Then about 10 days ago, I felt a strange sensation, and felt like I had to use the bathroom. so i got up went to the toilet, and there it was, blood. I felt nauseous and knew exactly what was going to happen. Another MOFO miscarriage :(:(:(:(

I was ordered to put my feet up, I was told things like;

"this happens to some women" 
"I know a women who bled throughout her whole pregnancy" And my favourite,
"you will be fine" FFS if i have to hear that again, I will scream!
"you can try again soon, it wasn't even a a baby yet"

This began on a Wednesday, and I was in hospital by the Friday, i ended up there until late Saturday night, when i was discharged to have my miscarriage naturally at home.

This is the worst. sitting around waiting for it to finish. it is heartbreaking to go through. Sometimes I wish I could have had a D&C, to get it over and done with.

I am feeling emotional, vulnerable, sick, weak, and generally blah. All over the place.

I know that it wasn't far enough along to be a baby, but it doesn't change the fact that I WAS PREGNANT. And know matter how much you say to yourself don't get excited yet, don't plan or do anything, you can't help it. You wonder, is it going to be a girl or boy? is it going to look like me or hubs? What am I going to name this one? Is Georgi going to love her sibling? Will they get along? 

The only person that understands what you have gone or going through is another women, that has been through it. That's it. Its is impossible to understand if you have never gone through it.

I don't know if I have the strength to even try again. Some days I think I do, but not yet. I'm no where near ready to try. What if I have another miscarriage? What if I'm never blessed with another child? Am I ungrateful? And when does the pain of losing babies end?


26 comments:

  1. Oh, Leah. My heart breaks. I cannot even begin to imagine what that must feel like...waiting for it to end. Horrific. Try to keep strong and know that if it's meant to happen it will. I don't really believe the saying "everything happens for a reason", but I feel it kind of makes sense in this situation. I don't know, I have no experience. It doesn't make it easier. Just do whatever you need to do to get through this. Thinking of you and sending lots of love and strength. And look to your gorgeous girl for more strength.
    Heidi xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you dear Heidi. I think if it wasn't for Georgi, i wouldn't be able to get through it unscathed xo

      Delete
  2. Oh Leah I don't know what to say :( I hope you're ok. Im a firm believer that everything will be ok in the end xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too Katie, me too. You have to believe there is a rainbow at the end of this. xo

      Delete
  3. Leah. I'm so so sorry. I have miscarried before but only in the very very early stages so I really cant not fully understand what you are and have gone through.
    How lucky we are to have our one child. But I totally understand the yearning for more.
    I'm a little scared to start trying again. Scared because of things like this.

    Over time you will work out and decide if you want to try again. When you are ready.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is so frightening the thought of trying for another. Good luck Sammie I hope you never have to have another miscarriage. Thank you for your comment xo

      Delete
  4. Oh hon, I can only imagine how you must feel. At least you have gorgeous G to hold tight. Thinkin of you as you recover from this past loss. xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly. I'm so grateful I have her to squish all day.
      Thanks for your comment xo

      Delete
  5. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. A world of hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks you so much dear Hannah xo

      Delete
  6. Hi Sweetheart.

    Being a mother fills your life will unimaginable joy, but it can also make us feel unimaginable heartbreak and I am so sorry for your loss - there are no words all I can do is send you a mother's unconditional love
    xxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think about you daily since it happened. I know I can't possibly know what it feels like but I know it must be incredibly hard for you.
    I hope that you do find the strength to try again if you still want to. Remember you are an amazing person and anything is possible. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your lovely words Shellie, it means a lot to me.

      Leah xo

      Delete
  8. It was a baby. Don't let anyone minimise your loss. Look up SANDS on Facebook, they are an excellent source of support...I lost a a baby very early on and was made to believe it wasn't a 'real' baby. Its a huge loss, and no one should try to minimise it by saying it wasn't 'real'. Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankyou. My heart, mind and body tell me it WAS a baby. I can't let myself think any different.
      Xo

      Delete
  9. HUGGGSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope I was able to cheer you up a bit!!! Praying that was your last one ever!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you most certainly DID!! Im still hanging on to the flowers too, they are to pretty to throw out!!

      xo

      Delete
  10. Oh dear :( Words cannot describe how I feel for you right now. Big hugs lovely Leah and stay strong xxx

    ReplyDelete
  11. Leah, I am so sorry for your loss. I am not a mother yet, but I hope to be some day. The gift of life has no comparison, and my heart goes out to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for your lovely message and words of compassion on my blog. Now it's my turn... I am so sorry for what you've had to go through, and my heart aches for you. DO I can't believe some of the things people will say! It was a baby. It was your baby, and you will grieve for that baby. I do live by the saying that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes it is so hard to see what that reason is. Just take joy and comfort in your little girl, and know that if all else fails then at least you have her to brighten up your life xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Thank you.
      She is my sunshine through a dark time.
      Xoxo

      Delete
  13. Dear Leah, I'm not sure what to say as I've never been pregnant, had a miscarriage or ever really wanted to become a mother. That all said - I can imagine how heartbroken you must be. Of course it was a baby, it was the promise of baby - a new life and new hope. As to why you want more than one baby...some women are just meant to nurture children...the more the merrier and all that. Don't give up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind words Mel xo

      Delete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.