I haven't written a post in a while. I have had my hands full with my boisterous daughter.
Little G is now 15 months old, and what a kid. She is the most amazing little human EVER!
Everyday i look at her I get clucky for more babies. I have always wanted to be a mother and I knew I wanted more than one child.
I have been kidding myself saying, if I only have Georgi, that's fine, I'm more than happy with her. but there is something very deep within that is questioning that thought. I want more babies! And i am trying to kid myself into thinking i don't. I don't get it? why am i not happy with Georgi, she is so amazing! What is it about having babies? Being pregnant is uncomfortable to say the least, and I always get violently ILL! Then the pain of childbirth, and then the actual looking after the child afterwards!!! SCARY!!!
Well I found out i was pregnant at the end of August. I can't begin to tell you how excited I was to have another child. a few weeks in I began to wonder why I wasn't sick. Why wasn't I throwing up like I always do? Everyone around me told me that I shouldn't be upset about that, celebrate and be grateful for being well! So I plodded along, thinking about the future made me smile. Georgi was going to have a brother or sister! How exciting!
Then about 10 days ago, I felt a strange sensation, and felt like I had to use the bathroom. so i got up went to the toilet, and there it was, blood. I felt nauseous and knew exactly what was going to happen. Another MOFO miscarriage :(:(:(:(
I was ordered to put my feet up, I was told things like;
"this happens to some women"
"I know a women who bled throughout her whole pregnancy" And my favourite,
"you will be fine" FFS if i have to hear that again, I will scream!
"you can try again soon, it wasn't even a a baby yet"
This began on a Wednesday, and I was in hospital by the Friday, i ended up there until late Saturday night, when i was discharged to have my miscarriage naturally at home.
This is the worst. sitting around waiting for it to finish. it is heartbreaking to go through. Sometimes I wish I could have had a D&C, to get it over and done with.
I am feeling emotional, vulnerable, sick, weak, and generally blah. All over the place.
I know that it wasn't far enough along to be a baby, but it doesn't change the fact that I WAS PREGNANT. And know matter how much you say to yourself don't get excited yet, don't plan or do anything, you can't help it. You wonder, is it going to be a girl or boy? is it going to look like me or hubs? What am I going to name this one? Is Georgi going to love her sibling? Will they get along?
The only person that understands what you have gone or going through is another women, that has been through it. That's it. Its is impossible to understand if you have never gone through it.
I don't know if I have the strength to even try again. Some days I think I do, but not yet. I'm no where near ready to try. What if I have another miscarriage? What if I'm never blessed with another child? Am I ungrateful? And when does the pain of losing babies end?