Thursday, November 1, 2012

Sorry If This Post Contains TMI

I'm scared to have sex. there I finally said it, phew.

The idea of it right now gives me the chills, sorry hubs....

Its all because of my recent miscarriage. I know it is. You see I don't want to have another one, and I know that this plays in the back of my mind. Like a horrible EVIL NIGHTMARE, the worst thing that you can think of when pregnant came true.

I want more kids though, so its only a matter of time, I will get over my fear. I know I have to just get it over and done with, that's how you conquer fear and anxiety....right?

Hopefully one day I will be up the duff, again, I'm looking forward to it! Even though I had morning sickness the whole way through, and other lovely things, like reflux, pinched nerve in my back, insomnia and dreadful cramps, I loved being pregnant. Being a mother is the best thing I have ever done with my life. This may sound so simple to most people. But everyone has a calling, to be a surgeon, lawyer, baker, architect, chef or whatever, mine was to be a Mother. Or a "Money", as my precious little one calls me hahahahaha.

I love it. I know this is what I was meant to do with my life. Yes I believe the cliche that this is the MOST important job in the world. I am influencing and helping another human through life. Hopefully in a very good way. At the very least I want her to feel loved, appreciated and to know that she can come to her Mother for anything.

I've said it before, I have the most patient partner ever. I dont know how he puts up with most of the shit I put him through. His family don't like me to start with, this puts a major strain on our usually wonderful relationship.

I really need to learn to let stuff go, not dwell on what people say. So what if they don't like me, not everyone gets along? And now this crazy phobia I have developed. Yep he is a lucky man to end up with all my shitty baggage. I know we will get through this, and be better for it. Its going to take some time is all. Or maybe we need to move away again? We are so much better on our own. Not worrying who's going to drop by? or how we are going to navigate Christmas?

How do you get over and irrational fear?
Are you a, just do it person?


  1. Oh darling...

    First of all, I completely understand where you are coming from (in the capacity that I can, I've never had a miscarriage so I can't understand entirely).

    Your fear is NOT an irrational fear, it's just not - you need to validate your fear. You're completely and utterly entitled to have it.

    I think you need to take one day at a time, thinking about what to do at Christmas time or even what to do next week will just overwhelm you. Moving might be the most stressful thing you could do right now?

    With major incidents that I've had to deal with in my life I've found I just keep on going. When my mum died after my Year 12 English exam I just kept on doing my exams, kept on going... When something major happened to me a few years ago I took a week off work (too traumatised to work, despite my insistence the day of the incident that I was fine) then kept going... mind you I had days where I couldn't even get out of bed for months after but generally I just kept on going....

    That's my style, but it might not be yours... listen to your head and heart and see what works for you.... to be honest it sounds like the grieving is still very fresh for you.

    I hope you find your feet soon lady, it will happen.


    1. Thank you so much for your lovely and kind words.
      I just never want to have another miscarriage. I've had too much loss. I'm over it!

  2. oh darling Leah :(

    I think what you are feeling is totally normal. If I was going through the same thing, I don't doubt I would feel the same.

    You are lucky you have an amazing man in your life, and your gorgeous girl (and puppy!). And if you can't talk about it with your man, or publicly on your blog, then who can you talk to about it? You can't heel without talking about it.

    Try not to put too much pressure on the situation, things will happen when they are ready to again. Try to just nuture yourself for the moment and make the most of every day.

    1. Exactly. Take everyday as it comes. Some are wonderful. And some not so much.
      Thanks Shellie xoxo

  3. You took the words right out of my mouth... 11 months later and I am only just ready to start trying again. Hang in there Leah. xx

    1. Good luck Mel. Thinking about you xoxo hope it happens soon!!!!

  4. I am THE most anxious person in the world. THE WORLD! How do I get over fear...? I talk to people, anyone that will listen copes an earfull and I distract myself by going for walks, going out, going to work. So don't have something else like gardening until you feel "in the mood" again. Hubs will just have to wait.

    1. That's exactly what's been happening! I don't even want to think about it ATM.
      Thanks for your comment Mel xo

  5. Oh leah I know you are one of the most strongest and caring people ever.... you will try again and you will have a little baby to be friends with little G.... I miss you alot and wish I could give you a big hug but heres a big virtual one instead <<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>

  6. Be kind to yourself. You deserve only kindness, from yourself and from others. Your husband loves you for you, not because he gets to have sex with you! Focus only on grieving, healing, finding strength, and looking for something to smile about in each day. Everything else will slowly start to fall back into place. xoxo

  7. I am probably the worst person to offer advice on anxiety my sweet, I don't discus mine with anyone (IRL) but my husband (poor kid) we have an "us against the world" attitude he is super patient, I bet our husbands have a lot in common. Give yourself time to grieve and heal, don't force yourself he will be more than willing when you are ready xxx

  8. An irrational fear that is totally rational...if that makes any sense. It makes complete sense that you would be scared. I can offer no advice but perhaps time & trust. I still have the irrational/rational fear of leaving loved ones, for fear that they or I will die. ha ha, screwed up. I just don't think about it & far far far more often than not I am fine. Ok clearly I'm of no help, but I do understand you. Hugs.
    Heidi xo

    1. I completely understand. Thank you my dear Heidi xoxo


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