Friday, February 15, 2013

My Heart Is Aching

Yesterday was Valentines Day. You either love or hate this day, I'm on the love side. I love the love. But I hate the flowers and dinners etc, blergh! I like to remind my husband that I love him, and how much he means to me.

Normally i would be baking something sweet and making a favourite dinner.

See I had an appointment with an OB. I was....am....was pregnant.

I was hoping it was going to be an extra special, mushy, lovely day with the thought a little baby bean was growing in me. I was mentally preparing who I was going to tell everyone the wonderful news.

I has not been a fun pregnancy to say the least. I have had spotting through out. This worried me greatly, so off I went to have an ultrasound scan when I was about 5-6 weeks along. Everything seemed fine. There was even a faint little heartbeat. We could see it. A-fricken-mazing. This helped to reassure me a little that it wasn't a miscarriage. It was a bleed on the outside of my uterus, not anything that could cause a miscarriage.

I continued my days, feeling very sick, which is a wonderful positive sign of a strong healthy, viable pregnancy.

I had cravings. Not to mention many thing's that repulsed me at the thought, let alone smell of them!
I had the morning/all day sickness.
I felt pregnant, I looked pregnant, I was showing! JOY!!

Then yesterday I had my first appointment with an OB. I couldn't wait to see the little one again. But something was stopping me from being happy and excited about this pregnancy. It was a feeling I had for a few days that something wasn't right.

I went for my ultrasound. It looked the same. I knew straight away something was wrong. I could tell even before the technician said anything to me, it was bad. It should of been bigger, there should of been a heartbeat. I felt sick, and started to cry. The poor woman doing the scan. Anyway she wanted to do an internal to make sure.

Nope still nothing. The baby died sometime between scans. I couldn't stop crying.

I'm normally a very private person, the reason I talk about my miscarriages, is cause I think not enough women do. 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage, and not just one!

Back upstairs we went to the lovely OB. We discussed what the plan was. I was going to wait in hope that my body will miscarry the baby without medical intervention. He has given me 2 weeks. There is nothing medically wrong with me. Nothing to explain why this keeps happening to me.
All i had running through my head was "fuck, not again, I can't fucking do this again!"

This is the fourth time now. I could have 4 kids with the 5th on the way! Oh my, I wish I would love to be surrounded by kids. I love being a mother, its the best thing I've ever done, and I'm damn good at it. I make no apologies for that.

I'm sitting in my kitchen, writing this post, actually not sure if Ill hit publish, its so painful so raw still.

Looking outside at the rain, trying to type through just as many tears. Sitting and waiting for a miscarriage to happen, the bleeding the pain, all the while looking at my tiny little belly.

I hope this encourages women to talk about their pain of miscarriage more and more. We shouldn't have to be silent about it. We need to talk, write or whatever about it.

I went for a walk with my husband in Parramatta Mall. I wanted to be around people, lots of people. I love life, and wanted to feel part of something for a little while. We went and had a coffee at Three Ropes, and also had a bite to eat. I remember thinking, as I was leaning against the wall, watching people rushing through the lane way talking my time sipping my coffee, why is this happening again? What did I do? Why do other people, who don't seem to care have so many kids? Why can't I? Most importantly, I couldn't wait to go see my girl for a big hug. I needed it.

I won't be trying for anymore kids now. I'm done. My heart has no more room for heartache. I want to be able to be strong for my daughter, not to let her see me cry, or be scared like I am of whats to come. I feel sick thinking about whats going to happen. But I know Ill get through it, I always do. Its not true, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I'm broken, beyond repair.