Friday, February 15, 2013

My Heart Is Aching

Yesterday was Valentines Day. You either love or hate this day, I'm on the love side. I love the love. But I hate the flowers and dinners etc, blergh! I like to remind my husband that I love him, and how much he means to me.

Normally i would be baking something sweet and making a favourite dinner.

See I had an appointment with an OB. I was....am....was pregnant.

I was hoping it was going to be an extra special, mushy, lovely day with the thought a little baby bean was growing in me. I was mentally preparing who I was going to tell everyone the wonderful news.

I has not been a fun pregnancy to say the least. I have had spotting through out. This worried me greatly, so off I went to have an ultrasound scan when I was about 5-6 weeks along. Everything seemed fine. There was even a faint little heartbeat. We could see it. A-fricken-mazing. This helped to reassure me a little that it wasn't a miscarriage. It was a bleed on the outside of my uterus, not anything that could cause a miscarriage.

I continued my days, feeling very sick, which is a wonderful positive sign of a strong healthy, viable pregnancy.

I had cravings. Not to mention many thing's that repulsed me at the thought, let alone smell of them!
I had the morning/all day sickness.
I felt pregnant, I looked pregnant, I was showing! JOY!!

Then yesterday I had my first appointment with an OB. I couldn't wait to see the little one again. But something was stopping me from being happy and excited about this pregnancy. It was a feeling I had for a few days that something wasn't right.

I went for my ultrasound. It looked the same. I knew straight away something was wrong. I could tell even before the technician said anything to me, it was bad. It should of been bigger, there should of been a heartbeat. I felt sick, and started to cry. The poor woman doing the scan. Anyway she wanted to do an internal to make sure.

Nope still nothing. The baby died sometime between scans. I couldn't stop crying.

I'm normally a very private person, the reason I talk about my miscarriages, is cause I think not enough women do. 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage, and not just one!

Back upstairs we went to the lovely OB. We discussed what the plan was. I was going to wait in hope that my body will miscarry the baby without medical intervention. He has given me 2 weeks. There is nothing medically wrong with me. Nothing to explain why this keeps happening to me.
All i had running through my head was "fuck, not again, I can't fucking do this again!"

This is the fourth time now. I could have 4 kids with the 5th on the way! Oh my, I wish I would love to be surrounded by kids. I love being a mother, its the best thing I've ever done, and I'm damn good at it. I make no apologies for that.

I'm sitting in my kitchen, writing this post, actually not sure if Ill hit publish, its so painful so raw still.

Looking outside at the rain, trying to type through just as many tears. Sitting and waiting for a miscarriage to happen, the bleeding the pain, all the while looking at my tiny little belly.

I hope this encourages women to talk about their pain of miscarriage more and more. We shouldn't have to be silent about it. We need to talk, write or whatever about it.

I went for a walk with my husband in Parramatta Mall. I wanted to be around people, lots of people. I love life, and wanted to feel part of something for a little while. We went and had a coffee at Three Ropes, and also had a bite to eat. I remember thinking, as I was leaning against the wall, watching people rushing through the lane way talking my time sipping my coffee, why is this happening again? What did I do? Why do other people, who don't seem to care have so many kids? Why can't I? Most importantly, I couldn't wait to go see my girl for a big hug. I needed it.

I won't be trying for anymore kids now. I'm done. My heart has no more room for heartache. I want to be able to be strong for my daughter, not to let her see me cry, or be scared like I am of whats to come. I feel sick thinking about whats going to happen. But I know Ill get through it, I always do. Its not true, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I'm broken, beyond repair.

24 comments:

  1. Leah.....I am crying, this is so heartbreaking. Fuck. There truly are no words. I am not surprised at all at you saying you're done. How can you possibly make it through such heartache again and again? I just cannot even imagine what it must be like. Well I can a little, and even that is too much. What you're going though... Sending you lots of love and strength. You have a gorgeous husband and daughter, that is a blessing. I know you know this and I know it makes this pain easier but at the same time it doesn't, and I know that too. I'm not going to suggest anything, what can I even say?I will just encourage you to do whatever you need to to get through until your heart is aching less. Let little G fill it with more joy. So much love, beautiful lady. Thinking of you.
    Heidi xo

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    1. Thank you for your kind words darling it means a lot to me. Xo

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  2. Leah, I am so so sorry to read this. It almost has me in tears at my desk. Your so amazing to be sharing such a personal and heartbreaking story. I hope you find the strenght within yourself and from your husband and family and get through this unimaginable time . Thinking of you xxx

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  3. I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you and to still be in the midst of it, just waiting. My thoughts are with you. I know it's of no comfort, but I believe things sometimes happen for a reason, and maybe this little one wasn't quite ready. I know you might feel that you're done, but I thiink it will happen for you when the time is right. A girlfriend of mine was pregnant with triplets, and lost 2 at various stages during her pregnancy (one at three months and one at six). She had a healthy bub, and then endured a few more miscarriages before having her second. I sort of believe that it's the body's way of trying to give you the healthiest baby, rather than one that might not be. Wishing you sunshine, love, laughter and happiness. x

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    1. I hope so. I really hope so. Thank you for your lovely comment.

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  4. I just read this on my phone and it's just ripped my heart apart.
    You poor, poor darling.
    There are no words that can even deliver the pain I feel for you right now.

    I honestly don't know what to say.
    Wishing you so much love and sunshine moments.

    I'm going to give Orlando an extra special hug now.

    xox

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    1. Thank you sweetheart. Please do give him lots of hugs and one from me xo

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  5. Oh hon, I am so so sorry for what you have suffered. What a horrible thing to have to go through & I completely understand how you want to just stop with the perfection that is little G. It seriously sucks how so many people out there have these children that are unwanted & the best people miss out. Thinking of all of you. x

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    1. Thank you so much my dear it means a lot to me. And thanks for letting me vent to you privately, I really needed to tell someone. Xo

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  6. Oh Leah, you poor poor thing. I feel so sorry for you and wish you could be given what you want. I have no idea how you feel - I've never tried to get pregnant a you know, but your writing has broken my heart on your behalf. I'm sure you read Sydney Shop Girls blog - she had similar problems and had IVF which finally "stuck" and now they have a little one. Don't give up - if my parents had wanted me even 1% as you want this next baby my childhood would've been wonderful. Chin up buttercup...take some time for yourself and your family. It's OK to be sad, pissed off, angry...whatever. Feel all the feelings.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Mel. I have read SSG's blog. Im not an IVF candidate yet, because ive successfully had a baby. But i will wait and see what the Ob says on my next appointment. He may change his mind.

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  7. I am sending you the love of every mother, of those who have loved and those who have lost.
    My aunty had 6 miscarriages and one still birth, I still remember her pain. But when she had lost all hope she had a second daughter, 10 years after her first, and what she thought would be her only child.
    I don't know what lies ahead of you, but you are stronger than you think, and your heart is so filled with love it will pull you through and you will see the sun again. XXXXX

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    1. I hope so. I'm not so sure right now. Thanks for your comment and kind words.

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  8. Oh honey, this hurts my heart. I'm so sad to hear you are going through such a tough time. I hope talking about it makes you feel better. Cherish your loving husband and beautiful daughter. Thank you for sharing your story Leah. Sending you lots of big warm hugs. xox

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    1. Thanks you Tara for your kind words.

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  9. three simple words. I miss you.

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  10. No one wants to be the one if four statistic....nor do you think you will be (that happens to other ppl). It isn't something you post on Facebook or read....but you are right it does need to be talked about. Babies are such a gift....40weeks can be such a long time.

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  11. I'm so sorry you had to go through this pain. It's a very difficult thing to share. I personally know several women who had miscarriages before finally having a child. Just hang in there and I'm sure you will become a mother soon.

    -liv
    http://chocolivlovelaugh.blogspot.kr

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  12. I think you are wonderfully brave to share your story and as my husband and I read I tried not to cry. I entered the mummy world accidentally but now having a little boy of my own I can empathise with the feeling of loss of something so precious. Now I meet many mothers in the same or similar position to you, and I realise I never would have heard their stories if not a mother in the world of bubs. We all need each other and to know others are dealing with this too. I didnt realise just how many women are silently in pain, and in need of just sharing and being heard.
    Thank you for this. I am not sure if it made sense...
    I truly hope you can move forward in whatever you decide to do and find contentment and happiness in the beautiful little family you do have.
    love
    bxx
    bybande

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  13. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know how deeply heartbreaking it is. I have had four pregnancies and have two children. It's a painful club to be a member of and whilst I have no words of wisdom I will say that I admire your strength in sharing your story. I hope one day that you do have more children, but I can absolutely understand your decision not to keep trying. Take care of yourself xx

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  14. I'm so glad that you opened up the comments on this post again Leah. I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry and give you a hug and say that I'm here if you ever need to talk xxx

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  15. As Lorraine said above. I'm glad you have reopened your comments. I was so so saddened by his post for you.
    As we begin to think about trying for no. 2 it scares me beyond words what might happen, could happen and I can only hope to be as strong and super as you have been throughout.
    Hope you are well and continuing to bake up a storm in the kitchen.

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