Wednesday, June 26, 2013

More Heartbreak-How Much Longer Can I Endure This Pain

I'm sitting in my living room, tears streaming down my face.

Ive just come back from seeing my GP and I am having yet another miscarriage. Seems to always happen on a rainy day. I should prepare myself when the bad weather comes in.

This is number 5 now. 5 beautiful babies, have left my body. Gone forever.

I feel so alone in this. Yes I have family, friends and a husband that loves me very much, well he does anyway. But i still feel like this is my battle, no one can do anything to make it better. No one gets it either though. If i hear to stay positive one more time, ill scream!

Its not me willing them away, i want them very much, i have fears, that are justified and that should be heard, i shouldn't be told that things will be ok....Well because they wont be, never will be. Facts are Ive lost babies. Too many, and the pain is so great I can't, and don't know how to express it, except on this blog. Most people don't understand, I get that. And maybe its cause Ive had so many, that no one cares anymore, like ok "chin up Leah, it'll happen one day" OR a personal favourite of mine is "stay positive!" No amount of praying, staying postive or chin up's are going to make the baby stay in my womb. No amount of going to church and lighting candles makes any of this feel any better, if anything, i have lost my faith completely. Why does it happen to me? Am i such a terrible person that this has to keep happening too?  

Even when I found out I was pregnant, I was petrified this would happen again, sure enough it is. I cannot rejoice in being pregnant, when it happens, cause I have a constant fear that i will miscarry, yet again. When i see the lines on a pee stick, i feel sick with anguish, my first thought, is when am i going to miscarry this time...

I want so badly for my daughter to have a brother or sister to hate/love, like i do. Like most of us do. But its not going to happen.

We can't even fucken adopt in this country, not without there being so many hoops to jump through that by the time, we may be approved, I will be 60.

Fuck that.

Clearly im not built for having babies. I was so so sick with G, I had HG, that maybe its my bodies way of saying i can't do this? I dont know. Maybe my head is wrong, but i feel like I can, that I am meant to be a mother to many. Its crazy right. I have always had a magic number of 4. Yes i know! 4! But thats always been in my head. Well I got my wish, I am now a mother to 6, 5 are angels, and one is my darling daughter G.

If only they were still here though...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Not Too Wicked Sticky Date Pudding, Coconut Style

I make no secrets about loving desserts! I ABSOLUTELY adore them. And I believe you should have dessert every night, yep that's right EVERY night.

It doesn't always have to be fatty and sugar filled. A big bowl of berries is so delicious especially when they are in season, and at room temp. Strawberries are my addiction at the moment, they are giving off a wonderful rosy perfume, that I cannot resist! Thank goodness for the QLD growers huh?

But every now and then I have to have something a little more wicked. Wicked for me, I'm told by many is very different to most. So by all means please add more butter and no olive oil, and add loads more sugar, brown, if that's how you roll. Each to their own, in my eyes.

I recently bought some coconut syrup from Honest to Goodness, with the intention of substituting it for sugar in baking. But it turns out that it is awesome in a hot choc, over yoghurt, and even pancakes and scones! Its delicious so sweet, thick and syrupy like honey. It tastes of a sort of toffee/caramel, taken to that slightly dark but not too dark re: burnt level, nothing at all like honey. I knew I had to use it in a pudding, and I knew it would be a winning flavour combo with dates, so not so wicked sticky date pudding was born.

Makes 6 mini pudd's

6-7 medjool dates
1/2 cup hot water
1 teaspoon baking soda

2 eggs
60 grams butter
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup plain flour
3-4 tablespoons coconut syrup*

Roughly chop the dates and soak them in the hot water with baking soda, while you prep the rest.

Preheat your oven to 170C fan forced.

Mix everything together, in a medium size bowl with a spatula, no fancy machines required. Pour into 6 ramekins.

Bake for about 20-25 minutes.

I like to serve it warm with a big dollop of thick cream and coconut syrup poured over the top.

*if you can't get coconut syrup, brown sugar is fine, but you'll need to use more, up to 1/2 cup.