Wednesday, June 26, 2013

More Heartbreak-How Much Longer Can I Endure This Pain

I'm sitting in my living room, tears streaming down my face.

Ive just come back from seeing my GP and I am having yet another miscarriage. Seems to always happen on a rainy day. I should prepare myself when the bad weather comes in.

This is number 5 now. 5 beautiful babies, have left my body. Gone forever.

I feel so alone in this. Yes I have family, friends and a husband that loves me very much, well he does anyway. But i still feel like this is my battle, no one can do anything to make it better. No one gets it either though. If i hear to stay positive one more time, ill scream!

Its not me willing them away, i want them very much, i have fears, that are justified and that should be heard, i shouldn't be told that things will be ok....Well because they wont be, never will be. Facts are Ive lost babies. Too many, and the pain is so great I can't, and don't know how to express it, except on this blog. Most people don't understand, I get that. And maybe its cause Ive had so many, that no one cares anymore, like ok "chin up Leah, it'll happen one day" OR a personal favourite of mine is "stay positive!" No amount of praying, staying postive or chin up's are going to make the baby stay in my womb. No amount of going to church and lighting candles makes any of this feel any better, if anything, i have lost my faith completely. Why does it happen to me? Am i such a terrible person that this has to keep happening too?  

Even when I found out I was pregnant, I was petrified this would happen again, sure enough it is. I cannot rejoice in being pregnant, when it happens, cause I have a constant fear that i will miscarry, yet again. When i see the lines on a pee stick, i feel sick with anguish, my first thought, is when am i going to miscarry this time...

I want so badly for my daughter to have a brother or sister to hate/love, like i do. Like most of us do. But its not going to happen.

We can't even fucken adopt in this country, not without there being so many hoops to jump through that by the time, we may be approved, I will be 60.

Fuck that.

Clearly im not built for having babies. I was so so sick with G, I had HG, that maybe its my bodies way of saying i can't do this? I dont know. Maybe my head is wrong, but i feel like I can, that I am meant to be a mother to many. Its crazy right. I have always had a magic number of 4. Yes i know! 4! But thats always been in my head. Well I got my wish, I am now a mother to 6, 5 are angels, and one is my darling daughter G.

If only they were still here though...

12 comments:

  1. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I just read that link about HG. Shit man!!
    You are so strong Leah. The faith to keep trying with the risk of another miscarriage! Well done you for risking it. IT WILL PAY OFF EVENTUALLY!!! I will see you with a little newborn in your arms. Mark my words sister!
    But for now, you just do what you need to do.

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh my god, oh my god.
    I am so, so sorry Leah.
    I will reply properly in a bit, cooking potato gratain at the moment.

    I'm so sorry this has happened again.

    xox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, im still in shock it happened again too!

      Delete
  3. I am so so so so sorry for you. I cannot begin to understand what you are going through, and don't know what to say other than I am thinking of you x ally

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't have to say anything Ally but thankyou for letting me know xo

      Delete
  4. Oh babe, such shitty news & am so sorry this has happened to you again. Hang in there & do whatever you need to do to get through the day. I pray that your wish comes true. xxx Aneets

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh no, I'm sorry to read this Leah.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My heart is breaking. I won't tell you it will all be ok, cause its not. I won't tell you that your kindness, generosity & beautiful soul will earn you another child to hold, I won't dismiss your pain by saying its the will of the universe or a god. All I can promise you is no matter how dark this path is you will never walk it alone. You are a the kind of person one can expect to find only a few times in their life, you are the bravest person I know. I am so sorry, I am here

    ReplyDelete
  7. My heart aches for you. Aches. I am so so so so sorry that this is happening to you. I don't know what else to say but I really do hope it does work out for you one day soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I hope you can get done answers. It's just not fair.

      Delete
  8. I can't not read the preview in my blogger dashboard and not click and reply.
    So sorry to hear this again L.

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.