I'm sitting in my living room, tears streaming down my face.
Ive just come back from seeing my GP and I am having yet another miscarriage. Seems to always happen on a rainy day. I should prepare myself when the bad weather comes in.
This is number 5 now. 5 beautiful babies, have left my body. Gone forever.
I feel so alone in this. Yes I have family, friends and a husband that loves me very much, well he does anyway. But i still feel like this is my battle, no one can do anything to make it better. No one gets it either though. If i hear to stay positive one more time, ill scream!
Its not me willing them away, i want them very much, i have fears, that are justified and that should be heard, i shouldn't be told that things will be ok....Well because they wont be, never will be. Facts are Ive lost babies. Too many, and the pain is so great I can't, and don't know how to express it, except on this blog. Most people don't understand, I get that. And maybe its cause Ive had so many, that no one cares anymore, like ok "chin up Leah, it'll happen one day" OR a personal favourite of mine is "stay positive!" No amount of praying, staying postive or chin up's are going to make the baby stay in my womb. No amount of going to church and lighting candles makes any of this feel any better, if anything, i have lost my faith completely. Why does it happen to me? Am i such a terrible person that this has to keep happening too?
Even when I found out I was pregnant, I was petrified this would happen again, sure enough it is. I cannot rejoice in being pregnant, when it happens, cause I have a constant fear that i will miscarry, yet again. When i see the lines on a pee stick, i feel sick with anguish, my first thought, is when am i going to miscarry this time...
I want so badly for my daughter to have a brother or sister to hate/love, like i do. Like most of us do. But its not going to happen.
We can't even fucken adopt in this country, not without there being so many hoops to jump through that by the time, we may be approved, I will be 60.
Clearly im not built for having babies. I was so so sick with G, I had HG, that maybe its my bodies way of saying i can't do this? I dont know. Maybe my head is wrong, but i feel like I can, that I am meant to be a mother to many. Its crazy right. I have always had a magic number of 4. Yes i know! 4! But thats always been in my head. Well I got my wish, I am now a mother to 6, 5 are angels, and one is my darling daughter G.
If only they were still here though...