Friday, July 26, 2013

The Anxious Bitch

I have had a little anxiety of late. It shits me, and I want it out of my life, but I know that will never happen.

You see I'm a naturally anxious person, I need to accept it and deal with it and move on. Like having any other affliction, it will always be there. Different shades of intensity and aggression, but always there.

My little friend "the anxious bitch." I like to refer to it as.

Anxiety has different degrees of intensity and nastiness for me. I'm so used to having it that i now announce it to my husband when its happening. I'm even having anxiety as I type this up, just by thinking about it.

Life has been difficult for me lately to say the least. So many dreaded miscarriages. Losing so many babies can only scar a person for life. Being pregnant, and having the feel good pregnancy hormones pumping through my body one minute, then having them bottom out so quickly after a miscarriage doesn't help. It's exactly like the moment you have your baby, all those delicious hormones coursing through your body one minute, the next, nothing! it is a big cause of the baby blues many women experience on the dreaded third day after having a baby, and why breast feeding helped me through it! Breast feeding always made me feel good.

I have been told so many times, just relax. Have a cup of tea, deep breaths, and my favourite is to lay down, or take a bath with calming lavender.
Most of the time these don't work for me. when my heart is racing and I feel trapped in my own body, not being able to take a decent breath, let alone sit still from all the adrenalin, I need to do something ASAP.

I have found some really effective ways of dealing with anxiety.

Singing. I cannot sing to save myself, but it is effective in helping those shallow breathes.

Dancing. Again, I cannot dance, but it makes me forget that anxious feeling, even for a moment.

Music. LOVE the radio. I put on a station that has lots and lots of music, I can sing and dance to. I also love podcasts. Love the diversity, and the fact you can listen to anything you can think of!

Walking. I'm not a runner, only sporadic, but if I was I would do that. Walking has an amazing effect on my anxiety. Even if it is short. The fact I can get out of the house is wonderful. I used to be paralyzed and stuck indoors permanently. So be out and enjoying the world is wonderful.

Chocolate. I don't like to eat buckets of it, or any old chocolate. I like it dark, smooth and slightly bitter. And it has to be good chocolate, I love a 70-85% cocao butter. I have to savour it as a way to help with anxiety.

Shower. There is something calming about water. But I hate sitting in a bath. It gives me the heebeegeebees! I think they are gross, sitting in your own dirt! BLERGH! I prefer to shower.

Baking. I love spending time in the kitchen baking, it is so rewarding. love creating something out of ingredients.

Smiling/laughing. For me cause I'm mostly on my own, besides my little toddler G, this means watching some trashy TV or movie, or even reading. I love nothing more than getting 45 minutes to put my feet up with a cup of tea and having a good laugh. Having a good sense of humour helps, and learning to laugh at myself helps too.

Crying. Sometimes all I need is a good old cry. It can work wonders, instead of always holding it in.

Tea. That brings me to tea. As most people know i love coffee. But I'm not a crazy have to have 15 cups a day. I like ONE. But one very good one, thank you very much. But when I'm feeling quite anxious I will drink tea, something usually caffeine free. Chamomile, peppermint and white tea are favourites of mine even when I'm not having an anxiety filled moment.

Distance. I try to distance myself from the thing very thing causing anxiety. Getting out of the situation if I can.

Cognitive therapy. This works very well for me. Most people with anxiety hate it. It is difficult and anything that is challenging is usually not loved by most. It seems to work for me. Basically you do the thing you fear the most. If it means driving somewhere new, you do it! Or even walking outside, you do it!

Talking about it. The best I find is to talk about it, finding a friend with it too helps greatly, but if not use a loved one that is understanding. This is something I'm very grateful for, I have a very understanding husband, that has seen some horrific behaviour that I'm deeply ashamed of. If you can't confide in anyone you know, for fear they will judge, and believe me people judge you, there are plenty of forums to use. Even silly fun things like Vogue etc. Which brings me to distraction.

Distraction. If I find myself in the middle of an attack, then I do anything to distract my mind and get it out of there. The more I dwell on having an attack the worse I get. I try anything from playing with the toddler and dog, to cleaning. Cleaning is a good one. It's soothing and you accomplish something at the same time.

Baby steps with anxiety, there is nothing worse than having months of progress to only push yourself so hard one day, to be back at square one the next.

No one is ever going to understand how I struggle with it, well not unless you suffer too. I find it difficult to leave the house sometimes, and to socialise. I've been working on my issues with anxiety and it is helping me deal with it.

Every moment that I don't have anxiety, is an achievement. But I now try not to dwell on that either. I have learnt the hard way it will pass. It always does, it never lasts forever.

Do you have issues with Anxiety? If so, what are your coping mechanisms?  

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Are You Worth It?

I have this strange habit/thing I do.

I buy or am given, mostly by the husband very pretty things. I then go on to save my very pretty things for a special occasion. Why do I do this? Who knows, but I'm sure I get this from my mum. She always thinks she isn't worth it. Recently I gave mum a gift, that I thought she would love, and she has been trying to re-gift it back to me since!

I have seen many women in my family do this, so maybe it's a family trait?
Who knows?

But I do know its weird. And I know that my relatives think their behaviour is weird too. Its all for a reason, we were without for such a long time, that I guess its so lovely having these lovely things around you want them to last. Just in case shitty times happen again.

I have beautiful perfumes including body lotion and soaps collection sets, sitting there for ages, till I think I better use them cause otherwise people will have to embalm me on my deathbed in them.

I also have clothes, shoes and jewellery that too get cast aside, except my engagement ring, to wear another time, or for a fancy/better occasion. Again why? And how often do fancy occasions happen, now with a child in my life?

I don't want to pass this on to my daughter, but I also don't want her to think this stuff is worth coveting in such a passionate way. I most definitely don't do that. Some would say I'm a major tight arse. I don't care though, I wear that label proudly. I spend where I want, its mostly food as my big extravagance, and I buy for my child of coarse. But that's pretty much it.

I need to learn to buy things for myself, sometimes let's not go nuts, and to let go of the past. The past is the past hopefully it never happens again.

I watched an interview with Kylie Minogue, where she was telling the world about having breast cancer. I will never forget she had on the most amazing diamond earrings. They were huge and stunning. Even the interviewer commented on them. Kylie said she will never again leave something for a special occasion. She WILL wear diamonds during the day happily.

Are you worth it? Well yes you are. Always. Wear your lovely things with pride people. You have worked hard enough for them!

We all have scars, and really crappy things that have happened to us. And as cliche as it sounds, this is our only life, and life is ridiculously short.

I used to think I wasn't worth spending anything on, time, money or effort. Being completely embarrassed when people buy or do anything for me. I still get like this now! But I'm no where near as bad as I used to be. I'm working on thinking that I'm worth the effort. At least sometimes...

Please tell me I'm not the only one hoarding all my good stuff? 

Monday, July 8, 2013

Things They Never Tell You Before You Have A Baby

Kids get sick: When I say they get sick, they get sick All. The. Time! It is so frustrating, and heartbreaking! Makes you feel like such a shit parent. But you need to just be vigilant. And not let anyone go near them.....KIDDING, they will get over it. Better still GET A FLU SHOT! But kids are a bit feral and cause it that they get sick, just have a constant arsenal on the ready. Whatever it is you choose to use.

The Guilts: You will at some stage feel guilty about something. Said kid is going to hurt themselves or your just going to go food shopping, without them, and it'll hit you then. Sometimes you'll cry like an idiot in Woolies, but you'll also get over it just as quick.

Boob Feeding: Boob feeding hurts like a MOFO! That is all. Having said that I did it for 9 lovely months. Once I got past the toe curling pain, worse than childbirth (only cause I had an Epidural) pain. It was amazing, so soothing, most of the time, for both of us. Has it made the kid and I bond quicker or more so? I don't personally think so. I think we would of bonded anyway, but I do think it helps. There is something very animalistic about breast feeding your child, that really is so completely wonderful. I cherished every moment. And its a perfect pacifier.

Spewing: What's with that. I had a newborn that projectile all the time! FOUL! I know not all babies do it as much as G did, but they still spew a fair bit.

How easy they are to look after: There I said it. One child, yes, I'm not sure about more than one. But one is no where near as bad as what I had imagined in my head. I was riddled with anxiety in the last few weeks of pregnancy. Am I going to know what I'm doing? Dear God, am I ready for this? They are quite simple really. They just want the simple things in life. To eat, sleep, poo and have plenty of attention and cuddles. Sometimes I found that just having G in the bouncer everywhere I went, made her happy. She loved her bouncer. Of coarse there are times when they are shrieking the house down, and your thinking WHAT? WHAT IS IT BUB? You've fed them, sometimes a top up, changed their nappy, cuddled them, to no avail, to only have the both of you end up in tears! I find its better not to dwell on those moments. They will pass, and quicker than you think too.

Stuff: Kids don't know what toys, clothing etc are. You teach them that. They don't care for it when they are super little. You could have toys galore, most kids get bored by them so quickly. They prefer to have the company of mum and dad, or whoever their carer is, doing what they like. It could be a dance party, reading a book, whatever it is that your child truly loves, like eating.

JOY! The absolute crazy love and joy they bring to a family. Actually even to strangers. I see strangers smiling at my daughter, and talking to her (no not in a creepy way) and the way she smile's back at them, it makes my day. I genuinely hope it makes theirs too!

Children are an incredible gift. I have the biggest ball of sunshine wrapped in a little girl. She is incredible, and I learn so much from her everyday, I thought it was meant to be the other way round. I hope I don't forget that when G is having an almighty tantrum. Why do they always have the worst fit, PLANKING etc when you are out and about, so people stare and think God knows what about you both?!
My little G turned 2 on Sunday, I cannot believe the way time really does fly when you are having fun. I am a very blessed woman.