Ive been thinking about this intensely, for the last 8 weeks.
You see ive been told that I am too old. AT the ripe OLD age of 36. Yep you read that right 36!
Let me start at the beginning for you.
I have wanted kids since I can remember. I don't remember not wanting them. Even as a kid myself, I remember thinking, that I knew I wanted to be a mother, without question. I had an extensive collection of Cabbage Patch Dolls, that I would mother heck out of. I always thought I would have 4. I don't know why 4, I just thought this number was perfect. In my eyes the more the merrier. Even my poor brother didn't escape my mother skills. There were many dress-ups, forced feedings etc that I made the poor little guy do! Im sure he was a little scared of my to begin with. Sorry about that W, I was just so happy to have you around, and I loved you completely! I felt like a mummy, and I loved it.
I also remember thinking I wish my parents would have more kids. Why did they only have myself and my borther? Why did they stop? I now know why. Having kids is difficult. Even if the whole process is really easy for you, everything has to be just right in order to fall pregnant. It's pretty amazing that there are so many of us in the world really.
I never had as strong a feeling about being married. And NO im not saying that Im not happy being married. I really never factored being married or having a partner into my life. I actually imagined having kids on my own. Goodness knows why, its bloody difficult. But I thought I could do it all! Kids YES, married NO! I suppose I also thought no one would want to marry me? Very bad self esteem issues when I was younger, thats possibly another post. I never actively looked for a partner. It all seemed to happen without force.
For some of us women it is really easy to have kids. For others, not at all. I fall into the latter.
The husband and I have been seeking out specialist help to concieve baby number two, possibly most likely IVF. Some will think this is so odd. I know I did....DO!
Why bother to try for another when it is so difficult?
Why was it so "easy" the first time round?
This is so unnatural, should I really be messing with "nature" when there are so many unwanted kidlets out there already?
Will my daugther really be ok, being an only child? I didn't want to be, but she is her own person, she may love being the only one?
Why do I want another child so badly? Why am I not content with little G?
And why bother doing all this for baby number 2!
Honestly I know being an only child is not so bad. I know my daughter will be ok either way. She is a strong little girl. My brother and I are no longer close. We were as kids, but not since we got married and had our own families. I suppose this is life, it gets super busy when you have little ones in your life, maybe things will be different again in the future. I hope so. So I guess I've felt like an only child for a long long time. So I know its not that bad. You are on your own in life anyway. But I must admit I do get very jealous when I see close siblings. I think they are the best kind of friend to have. Others come and go, but family are always there.
I will leave all the gory details out of this post, maybe if I get the courage I will write about it soon. Its not pleasent and actually very upsetting for me. This was very difficult to think about let alone write or talk about, and deeply personal to me.
Everyone seems to be going full steam ahead, the specialist, the nurses, the husband. Everyone but me, I feel it is too clinical, and a little unnatural. Still need to wrap my head around it first, but i know I don't have the luxury of time.
I end this post with, don't leave having kids till too late, that is if thats what you want. At least don't take it for granted. And if you want to have kids, your ready for it, but don't have a partner, who cares?! I say go for it! Looking back, I feel stupid now for not having them when I was ready. What was I waiting for? Why did I care what others would think?